May 28, 2018 - Here I present SHAVED, the 2018 release by SLOW GROAN, another of an innumerable amount of releases along a spectrum of sound that has always existed, but like everything known, contains an unknown aspect. All the songs are either written by myself, or are Tuvan songs and melodies adapted for my purposes. All the recording, playing, mixing, mastering and dubbing was done by me at home in Baltimore, MD. The songs are a recollection from the past year. Indeed, this isn’t even the first album entitled SHAVED but is actually the result of an electric album that was months in preparation but scrapped in lieu of a dirtier sound. Maybe one day it can be reworked. Over a year ago I was continuing to dig myself into a hole. An ominous sense passed over me. Shaving is a choice but I have always passed as a woman if I accept it and I have always felt a very deep shame before this year in being called such. I have always had a beautiful face and body (though I often don’t acknowledge it) but I refused to grow my hair long, which I loved to flow until I had the facial and chest hair that noticeably graced all the bodies of the men in my family. Therefore, one day I could have long hair if I had a beard to match. It took a lot of bravery for my confused self to cut me a mustache because so much depended on what people thought. The first time I shaved my chest I clogged the drain bad and it took forever. The first time I waxed my chest I was so dismayed when it came back. It always came back and comes back. I spend more on razors than food it feels like, all to cut my face and sting it with alcohol, twice a day, maybe three if I go out, just for my comfort. No wonder sometimes I ain’t inclined to look in a mirror if I ain’t going to be seeing anyone. And on top of that, I get down because it’s a vicious cycle. The want now is not to be caught with a shadow of a razor because I’ll suffer more the stares of everyone else. Like I ain’t normal. I ain’t never wanted to be normal anyway, that’s for sure. But over the last year I have seen a lot of hate and scorn, all for trying to be happy. On the other hand, that is why I have been working so hard to survive. I’ve been running with mental illness for a bit and tried to die and often think about how much easier it’d be and I believe it, but it’s as easy as sleeping the day away and feeling like piss. Over the past year, I was in a relationship I hated and hated myself for, based on social standing and lying to myself about what I wanted. It ended poorly and it should’ve been through, could’ve, would’ve…but such is relationships and as with most people getting their emotions hurt through humanity’s existence, it gets better for everyone. It used to bother me when people said I could not come to certain establishments or did not want to be my friend, or that I could not play music with some people or be seen at places where I was living. It hurt to be rejected but as experience shows, these are sad people who feel better exerting hate rather than love. Like I said, I ain’t normal and people don’t like that. But I have been so scared for so many years and terrified of the public that after being reminded each year about the Shoah and about the uniqueness but interconnectedness of the world, that it just ain’t worth it to me to lie to myself for the rest of the time I have. I want to live my life forward with love and my happiness and betterment. Over the past year I thought I had friends and lovers and enemies and I certainly do, but all the roles have changed, like some murder mystery. I get kicked out places I live and places I used to hang out. I get let go from jobs because sometimes I don’t care. I get walked all over and taken advantage of because I like to feel useful. As always, “resist much, obey little.” I’ve been in graduate school this year and had my nerves overturned again and again as I wrestled bureaucracy and absurdity and grappled with how to spend my life. Will I finish? Stay tuned. I’ve learned a lot about electronics, music, shaving, personal care, expressing femininity how I choose, how to deal, how to live, how to be happy and a lot a lot about myself. I’ve had my heart broken so many times and worn a smile as I have dealt out cruelty and felt real good and real bad about expressing my pain this year. I have learned it is absolutely worth it to try and be not only a good person but a better person because I have done some evil, regrettable, stupid, and scandalous things in a short life, but there is always someone more evil than you, so you ain’t even that bad and there is always room to be better and a choice not to be evil. There is a bit of Lot in all of us, even if one leaves Sodom and Gomorrah with a taste for debauchery. When one looks back, the destruction in remembrance is like the salting of the earth. Remember to love and forgive each other and to unite all the people against the richest for our own prosperity. Praise God and humanity, I used to not believe and it’s okay if you don’t but enjoy my music. My special thanks go to my teachers Choduraa Semis-oolovna Tumat and John Daniel, as well as Mariah, Adam and all the shining stars I am honored to count amongst my friends. Please contact if you wish to join this extra-special group of cherished folks I am honored by. This album is dedicated to the memory of Glenn Branca, rest in power. Love, Yasha Erkkila slowgroan@gmail.com slowgroan.com